Forgiving When They Are Not Sorry: A Walk Through Matthew 18

Someone hurt us, and they are not sorry. They will not admit it. They may even say it was our fault. This is where many of us live, right in the ache of a broken word and a closed door. Matthew 18:15-35 gives a clear path for moments like this. It blends grace, truth, and boundaries in a way that protects people and honors God. In this guide, we will walk through Jesus’ steps, what forgiveness is and is not, and simple words we can use to move forward.

If you have searched how to forgive without apology, looked for the “Matthew 18 steps,” or wondered about the “unforgiving servant,” you are in the right place. Let’s open our Bibles to Matthew 18 and ask God for a soft heart and wise steps.

What Matthew 18 Teaches About Forgiving When They Are Not Sorry

Matthew 18:15-35 is not a script for every situation, but it is a wise path. Jesus lays out steps for dealing with sin, especially when the other person will not own it. He calls us to forgive. He also affirms limits, safety, and care for the vulnerable.

Here is the heart of it. We start with a private talk. If that fails, we bring one or two witnesses. If that fails, we bring the church. If there is still no change, we set wise distance, while still praying and hoping. Jesus promises His presence when we gather in His name for this serious work. Matthew 18:20 reminds us, where two or three gather in His name, He is with us. Forgiveness is required, but trust and access are not automatic. Love can be warm and still be wise.

Start With a Private Talk (Matthew 18:15)

The first step is quiet and kind. We go in private. We speak the truth in love. The goal is not to win an argument, it is to win a person.

Sample phrases:

• “When you said X, it hurt me. I want peace.”
• “I value our relationship. Can we talk about what happened?”
• “I forgive you for the hurt. I also need clarity so we can move forward.”

A private talk protects dignity. It helps us avoid gossip and public shame. Sometimes this one step brings healing. Many conflicts end right here.

For a helpful perspective on forgiving when someone does not confess, see this pastoral reflection on how to renounce revenge and trust God’s justice: Can I Forgive Someone Who Doesn’t Confess Wronging Me?.

Bring Wise Witnesses If Needed (Matthew 18:16)

If the person will not listen, we invite one or two mature believers. These are not a mob. They are fair-minded guides. They help both sides slow down, check facts, and listen.

What do witnesses do?

• They ask calm questions and keep the focus on truth.
• They repeat back what they hear so both sides feel seen.
• They help correct blind spots and set next steps.

We enter this step with humility. We may be wrong about some details. Or we may be right, but still need help to move toward peace.

When the Church Must Step In, and When to Step Back (Matthew 18:17)

If there is still no change, we bring the matter to church leaders. This is not for every small slight. It is for serious or repeated sin that harms others and divides the body.

“Treat them as a Gentile or tax collector” does not mean hate. Jesus loved tax collectors and called them to new life. It does mean we set wise distance when someone refuses to repent. We pray for them. We hope for their return. But we stop pretending that all is well.

Safety comes first. If there is ongoing harm, leaders must act. There is no tolerance for abuse. Church leadership should provide clear processes and accountability. For more on practical care and counsel, a helpful discussion can be found here: Should I Forgive Someone Who’s Not Sorry They Sinned?.

How Many Times Do We Forgive? Keep Going (Matthew 18:21-22)

Peter asks if seven times is enough. Jesus says seventy times seven. In other words, keep going. Forgiveness is not math, it is mercy.

Forgiveness means we release the debt to God. We hand over the case to a higher court. That choice may need to be repeated as feelings rise again. We can keep forgiving while still setting firm boundaries. The heart stays open to reconciliation, and the mind stays clear about safety.

The Unforgiving Servant: Why Heart Forgiveness Matters (Matthew 18:23-35)

Jesus tells a story. A king forgives a massive debt, one that could never be repaid. The forgiven servant then attacks a fellow servant who owed very little. He throws him in prison and refuses mercy. The king hears about it and is grieved.

The warning is plain. God expects us to pass on the mercy we receive. If we will not forgive from the heart, we step out of the stream of grace. Bitterness acts like rust on the soul. It slows us down and stains what we touch. If you want a helpful comparison between apology, repentance, and real change, this reflection helps frame it simply: Forgiveness: Is an Apology Enough?.

What Forgiveness Is and Is Not, Especially Without an Apology

We get confused here. Words like forgiveness and reconciliation often get mixed. Let’s keep it simple.

• Forgiveness is releasing the debt to God, not pretending the harm was small.
• Reconciliation is renewed relationship, not the same as forgiveness.
• Boundaries and forgiveness belong together when there is risk.
• We can forgive without trust if trust has been broken.
• We do not have to hide harm to protect an image.

For a sober reminder of the stakes when we refuse to forgive, see this reflection on Jesus’ warning in Matthew 6:15: Matthew 6:15 and the necessity of forgiveness.

Forgiveness From the Heart vs Saying the Words

Saying “I forgive you” can be cheap if the heart is closed. Heart forgiveness is a real choice. We hand the debt to God. We refuse payback. We ask God to heal us.

When pain returns, we forgive again. We breathe out the anger and breathe in grace.

Simple prayer: “Father, I release this debt to you today.”

Forgiveness Is Not Trust, Access, or Silence About Harm

Trust is rebuilt with time and proof. It is not automatic. We can forgive and still say no to unsafe contact. We can forgive and still ask for counseling, accountability, or space.

Forgiveness does not hide abuse. It does not block the police or the courts. Reporting crimes is not revenge. It is righteous and wise. God cares about the vulnerable.

Setting Boundaries and Seeking Safety While We Forgive

Boundaries protect love. They help sinners face truth and victims find safety. Examples:

• Space for a season, with a plan to review later.
• Clear expectations for words, time, and tone.
• Mediated meetings with a trusted leader.

Jesus spoke mercy and He confronted sin. We can do both, with honesty and hope.

God’s Mercy First, Our Mercy Next

We owe God a debt we could not pay. He canceled it at the cross. That is our fuel. When we feel empty, we return to the well of grace. We remember what we have received, then we give that same mercy to others, even when they are not sorry.

When Jesus said, “And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors,” That word forgive is the Greek word aphiēmi (ah-fee-a-me) and it means to send away, release, discharge; an example would be releasing any desire to punish, which is releasing any desire to take revenge.

This word aphiēmi also means to let go, send away all bitterness, not carry a grudge, which is what Jesus was telling us in The Lord’s Prayer, “Father, release us from all Your desire to punish us, do not take revenge on us, nor carry a grudge against us, as we do the same to anyone we think has wronged us.”

For if you release others of their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also release you.

The wording Jesus used is, “And forgive us our debts as we also have forgiven our debtors.” When Jesus used the context as “have forgiven” that means it is something we all must do, at all times. Because Jesus used it as past tense, that means it is a done deal for those walking in His will, a policy God has decided for all situations.

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Jesus said, “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.“

Jesus was saying unforgiveness is not an option, no matter the circumstances. We must release all desire to take revenge on all people who hurt us, without exception, never carry a grudge.

Forgiving someone does not mean you have to trust them anymore, nor do you have to reinstate the person to the same place they held in your heart, you just must choose not to personally prosecute the person. You must let go and release the person from your desire to take revenge because, if you do not release the person, you can very easily make the person an idol in your life.

Soon enough, unforgiveness can cause the person who offended you to take the place of God in your heart, receiving the attention God deserves and robbing God of first place in your heart. Unforgiveness also can start to make you think the person is beyond grace, cannot be saved.

Jesus talked about this in Matthew 5:21-22 when He was talking about murder begins in the heart. Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder, and whoever murders will be in danger of the judgment.’ But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment. And whoever says to his brother, ‘Raca!’ shall be in danger of the council. But whoever says, ‘You fool!’ shall be in danger of hell fire.“

And this word brother is not referring to a close family member or a fellow Christian either, this word is referring to all people.

Raca is a word, when used, that shows such a large amount of deep-rooted anger toward the person that word is directed, that the person is no longer viewed as a brother (person), but is viewed as a symbol of hatred.

“You Fool!” is calling someone wicked, the way King Solomon often used this word when judging people. Using the word Fool in this way is judging someone’s spiritual state and judging where the person will spend eternity and is saying the person is beyond grace, cannot be saved, and saying the person will spend eternity in hell.

Jesus was talking about making someone a symbol of hatred, so much so, that the person is not even viewed as human anymore. Does that go on in the world today? Yes! Just look at people on all sides of American politics. Many today choose to break ties with family members over politics because their hatred for someone in politics is so great. They choose their hatred against people they will never meet in their life over a relationship their own family. This is demonic.

Simple Steps to Forgive When They Do Not Repent

This path is not quick. But it is possible. We can walk it with God’s help and the support of wise people.

Pray Honest Prayers and Name the Hurt

Tell God exactly what happened. Use plain words. Do not clean it up.

• “God, this hurt me. I feel angry and sad. Help me forgive like you forgave me.”
• Write it down. Share with a trusted friend or mentor.

Release the Debt to God With Clear Words

Speak forgiveness out loud. Our ears need to hear it.

• “I release [name] from what they owe me. I place the case in your hands.”
• Repeat this when the pain returns. Forgiveness is a practice.

Bless, Do Good, and Guard Your Heart

Jesus told us to bless our enemies, pray for them, and do good. Small steps help heal our hearts.

• Pray for their good, not their downfall.
• Refuse gossip. Shut it down with kindness.
• Avoid revenge. Do not post it, text it, or hint at it.

Blessing does not mean ignoring danger. Safety first, always.

Keep Short Accounts: Forgive Again Tomorrow

Make forgiveness a daily habit.

• Morning release: “Father, I release the debt again today.”
• Evening review: “What stung today? I give it to you.”
• Read Matthew 18 and let it soak in. Ask for a tender heart.

Real-Life Scenarios and the Matthew 18 Path

We learn by seeing it lived. Here are simple scripts and steps to try.

Family Hurt: A Parent or Spouse Who Will Not Admit Wrong

Private talk:

• “When you yelled at me yesterday, I felt small and scared. I want peace in our home. Can we talk about a better way to handle conflict?”

If there is stonewalling, invite a wise helper:

• “We are stuck. I’d like us to talk with a counselor at church this week. I want us to get help.”

Set limits if the pattern continues:

• “I love you. I forgive you. I will not stay in a room where yelling or insults continue. If it happens, I will step away and we will schedule a time with a counselor.”

Safety and counseling are nonnegotiable in repeated harm. In cases of abuse, separate and seek help immediately.

Workplace Conflict: A Boss or Coworker Who Blames Others

Private talk:

• “When the report was criticized, I felt blamed for the entire project. I want to own my part and improve. Can we clarify what is mine and what belongs to the team?”

If needed, bring HR or a supervisor as witnesses:

• “We need clarity. I’ve scheduled HR so we can review the timeline and roles.”

Forgive while documenting. Keep emails and dates. Protect your role without returning evil for evil.

Church Tension: When Leadership or Members Fail Us

Approach leaders humbly:

• “I felt dismissed in the meeting. I want unity. Can we talk about what happened and a better plan?”

If needed, involve elders for care and accountability. Forgive and keep praying for your leaders. Ask for clear processes, timelines, and checks. Healthy structures help everyone.

Abuse and Crime: Why Forgiveness Does Not Cancel Justice

Call the police for crimes. File reports. Tell church leaders. Seek professional help. Forgiveness releases personal revenge, not legal or church discipline. We can forgive and still ask for restraining orders, treatment plans, and oversight. Build a safety plan with trusted people.

Tough Questions Christians Ask About Forgiveness Without Apology

We all carry questions. Here are short answers shaped by Matthew 18.

Do We Have to Reconcile if They Are Not Safe?

Forgiveness is required. Reconciliation is conditional on repentance and safety. Boundaries are loving. God cares about protection.

What if They Keep Doing It?

Follow the Matthew 18 steps. Involve community. If there is no change, set wise distance with church support. Keep a forgiving heart while refusing to enable harm.

How Do We Forgive When Feelings Will Not Change?

Choose forgiveness first. Invite the heart to follow over time. Pray. Seek counseling. Walk with trusted friends. God changes hearts, often slowly and gently.

What if We Tried Matthew 18 and It Did Not Work?

We cannot control outcomes. We can release the case to God, set limits, and keep praying. Keep seeking care from wise leaders. Stay honest, hopeful, and safe.

Conclusion

Matthew 18 gives us a path that is simple to name and hard to walk. Start with a private talk. If needed, add wise witnesses. If needed, engage church care. Through it all, practice heart forgiveness, releasing the debt to God again and again. Jesus promised to be with us when we seek peace together. That promise carries weight in the middle of conflict.

Let’s pray: “Father, thank you for forgiving me. Help me forgive from the heart and walk in truth with love.” This week, read Matthew 18:15-35, practice a daily release prayer, and share the journey with a trusted friend who can pray and speak wisdom into your life.